dismissed

2006-09-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

so here i am, using the com in the wee hours of the morning.
i cant sleep.
so yarh.
been like that since a long time.
i know my other blog was abruptly deleted thanks to my sister. so yarh. i'll just the last post here. its on the wordpress one anyway. but too many people read that one.
i hate it when the feeling comes back. sometimes i wish i never found out i had depression.
makes my life miserable.
i wish i didnt delete my other blog either. i feel like ive lost a memory of the pas week.
the last post is below:
This is ripped...

I am struggling spiritually. And as I think of the words to say - to censor or uncensor, I am fighting with God. And so my warriorself has decided to take off on a holiday and with that I realise how long it has been since I have even wrestled with Him. Which is bad news, really. Because I have a tendency of forgetting. I forget that doinglife by myself never works and the oldself struggles with old pains and fears and garbage. It has been awhile since depression hit.
Because all I want to do is remain underthecovers and not face life. This is me when I grew cynical, little moments when alone, during the secondseason of trying&trying and then failing. Of words that struck the soul and of winters that I never want to wake up from.
And for awhile, having returned, I decided livinglife, doinglife without God was a far better deal because it was simply easier. Until I had visions of what it could have been like and what I can become again with you. Expectations were hard to keep, goals difficult to reach. Today, I sense the familiar sinkingfeeling and am struggling to fight it out with God- which is always the hardest, to fight through overwhelming emptiness.
I empathize with that person who wrote that. School girls who go to that blog will know where its from.

I feel like as though how I have felt for these past few months have all been written in there. I couldn�t pin point how I exactly felt at first, unable to express what my thoughts were in words. But im glad there is someone else who feels exactly the same way as I do.
So thank you, ms dawn woo (:

I went to church today, and I have to admit, I still struggle. But I felt slightly better.
I don�t know. Seems very awkward. I have decided that im not going for the o level prayer thing. Ask me why, and I�ll tell you.

There are some things I have decided not to say here. Because I think its too sensitive and im afraid wat I say will be passed around and soon, the entire church will know about it. And I have to confront all the people I do not wish to see at all. So find me some where else, in the other blog or ask me, and I might tell you.

sometimes i wish im better off alon, forgotten and uncared for. or that i lost my memory. or i died. makes everyone lives much easier. then i dont have to rmb anyone.

2006-09-01T10:42:00.000-07:00

i want it to be undisclosed

2006-09-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

today was okay.
i didnt like it when i went for cell.
to think that i was still okay.

i cant exaclty explain how i felt.
but i know it isnt the kind one would like.

now i know why i become suicidal over the weekend.

but i cant just stop going to church. i'll just fall out.
but then again, going through this every friday and sunday wont help either.

damn.

having taken the advice of a friend, i went to ask god what to do and why its like that.

im not sure i had an answer. but i felt much better.

but on fridays, when i enter the room at owen center, i find myself going to the toilet at the start or halfway through worship.
you know why?
because everytime i see the whole lot of them, esp either thea sheng or reubenor deeben,
i find myself praying i wont breakdown in front of them. that i'll just survive those few two hours and then i can finally openly cry at home.

but it isnt successful 100% because i can barely control myself. yes i admit, i cry sometimes. but no one notices so thats good. they usually think my eyes are itchy or dry, thats why i rub them.

like today. no one noticed. and no one will anymore. right deeben?
thanks anyway for hearing me out on sunday. though it was more like you were persuading me to not do silly things.
i had a pen knife in my hand anyway.

i mention names now because no one reads this blog except deeben and reuben.
after all, they were probably they only two good friends that came out if agape.
but now? they have their lives to look after and i can help them by not screwing their lives.
so we dont talk anymore.
sad isnt it?
but i guess its the only way.

strange thing that girls at church dont seem to be in my list of good friends. i wonder why.

deanna was talking to me today. she was sad and i had to advice her. i havent advice anyone for as long as i can rmb. but when i did, i found myself constantly repeating 'i have no right to say this but i have to' first before i gave her my advice. i guess i felt that i didnt have the right to tell her to like pray or something

because i honestly hardly do that. i hope shes okay anyway.

i had counselling on wednesday. apparently, god to my science teacher that ive been putting up a front at school, that ive actually been feeling down, and he thought i was going to cut my wrist.

i hate to admit, but he's right i guess.

my ps cd is with reuben. so if you ever read this, its not yours. i passed mine around. not yours. so dont wry about your cd being to used. its mine. you can passs it to anto to pass it to me.
in that way, you wont get screwed for talking to me. and everything'll be okay.

people like lydia lee and deanna and cleff know my other blog, so the two of you, if have anything to comment, watch wat you say, unless you want them to know every lil thing that has happened. just type in on msn to me. i'll read it when im online.

thank you anyway, the both of you.
im sry i cant choose now.
though i already know my answer/decision watever you call it. i finally figured it out
and made my pick.
if you'd like to know, ask me.

2006-07-06T04:46:00.000-07:00

damn it lah.
damn the whole world.
the church. my life.
watever.

bloody people with nothing better to do.
talk talk talk. about people behind their back and wouldnt wna tell it to MY FACE.
i dare you people,
TELL IT TO MY FACE.

especially whoever is in rays.
my own peers dont even dare come confront me huh.
terrified hmm?

i haven yet to ask one question. i'll ask tmr.
i'll make sure i do.

i do not wish to be in such a church.

i am not an experiment and i do not wish to watched by people TWENTYFOUR SEVEN.

if you have nth better to do, come tell it to my face then.

the rage-

2006-07-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

i take back wat i said. about the rays picture.
i DO NOT love them.
bunch of ordinary people ive known my whole life,
still i dont.

not in a good mood.
but i'll be okay.
i'll get over it.

i havent played the piano in a long time.
cant rmb wat i used to play. haha
oh well.

i havent danced either.

sigh. i think and wonder if thats bad hmm?
oh well (:
i'll do it again. one day.

time to change blog again.

yet from those flames;
no light, but rather darkness visible.

2006-07-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

dont we all look so pretty?

hahah.

i love them (:
all of them.

its youth day (:

yesterdays so called celebration was fun (:

i was happy in the morning.
never seen myself so cheerful in a long time.

went to church at seven fifty AM. pretty early.
all the way till twelve thirty. then went to eat.
sat around till two and went to watch superman.
its okay. nth new.

went jj's party. foods NICE (:
all i had was vegetables.
ahahah.

stayed till ten? then went home.
slept pretty early.

today?
nth new. had tuition. did hmwrk.
o level oral CHINESE tmr!
i'll be okay.
i know it (:

i feel happy.
i think i mood swing ALOT.
haha

i wna get drunk. or high. watever you call it.

french wine anyone? or beer? or vodka?
call me (:

one fire burns out another's burning

one pain is lessen'd by another's anguish

-William Shakespere, Romeo and Juliet

2006-07-03T07:42:00.000-07:00

There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven and she's Daddy's Little Girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
And I thank God for all of the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all:

For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk beside the pony, Daddy, It's my first ride"
"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, But I sure tried."

Oh, with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning
And butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet sixteen today
She's looking like her momma a little more every day
One part woman, the other part girl
To perfume and make-up, from ribbons and curls.

Trying her wings out in a great big world
But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.

"You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you don't mind
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Oh, like the wind the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly.

She'll change her name today
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away
Standing in the brideroom just staring at her
She asks me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."

Then she leaned over
and gave me butterfly kisses with her momma there
Stickin' little white flowers
All up in her hair.

"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy, It's just about time"
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses.

I couldn't ask God for more, man, this is what love is
I know I've got to let her go
But I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses...

2006-06-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

i nearly wanted to walk out of my house last night
and jump from the sixteenth storey.

i had a packet of panadols.
i had a pen knife.

BUT, i didnt do anything.
if i did,
people would be at my wake like RIGHT NOW.

please dont ask why or wat happened.

fell asleep only at four plus,
had to wake up at six.

went to school with eyes that uh were funny looking.
they were red around my eyes.
like as though someone punch me.
they hurt and they still do. even right now.
strange huh

even my tuition teacher thought i was depressed.
oh well.

im in the mood for studying. strange huh.

there is no refuge from confession but suicide;
and suicide is confession.

2006-06-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

schools here again.

nth new at all.
the usual lessons. teachers. friends.

my week has been ... uh i dont know how to describe.
but the one thing i know,

I FEEL LIKE I HAVENT SLEPT SINCE SUNDAY NIGHT.

i wake up every morning all right.
but then the feeling kicks in when i reach school.
and i feel like a zombie.

like today,
i really felt i had no sleep for the past three days.
thank god for contact time and no lit teacher,
i slept for one hour.
and i still felt like sleeping during mt.
i had a headache after that till i reach home.
and i finally slept.
thank god for sleep (:

mummy and brother woke me up form my beauty sleep.
had dinner.
phone and homework (:
csi and com (:

ive been thinking. and thinking. and thinking.
i vaguely know wat i want to say. but need time to striaghten my brain out.

here i am blogging.
sometimes i wonder why im blogging anyway.

how exaclty do you help someone with this problem?

'the thing is i broke up with my boyfriend you see. and im pretty upset about it. i want to talk to my best friend about it. but the thing is, their both him.'

a qoute:

that a lie which is half a truth is ever the blackest lies;
that a lie which is all a lie may be met and fought with outright;
but a lie which is part a truth is a harder matter to fight.

2006-06-22T09:25:00.001-07:00

im back.
though i wish i wasnt.

hk was okay.
it was expensive and boring.
disneyland there is super small.
no scary rides.
one rollar coaster ride.
pathetic.
i wont go back there ever agn.

church camp?
loss of sleep. the usual.
only about three to four hours of sleep daily. but i survived.
it was okay.
i didnt go up for ministry at all.
and i still wonder why.
usually i will.
i would feel that things are better. things have changed,
but somehow. i know this year after church camp,
nothing has seem to change.
i couldnt bring myself to go up there.

parents allow me to leave.
i wonder if its good or bad.
somehow, i still cant bring myself to leave. i think.
afterall ive been there all my life.
for as long as i can rmb.
i wonder if i'll be there on youth day.
at least i know im not doing anything then.
so not coming wouldnt be a problem.

i have this funny feeling again. but i cant describe it.

ive given up on watching the usual tv programmes i usually watch
like OC. i dont want to watch it anymore. gets boring.
but i hope i die too. hahah
oh well. ((:

i haven drunk in months. amazing huh.
i think its time to start agn?
afterall, no one catches me (:

i was watching xmen three dv today.
and smth bout wat rouge said made me think.
wat exactly to guys have on their minds all the time hmm?
girls? sex? love? crushes? infatuations? obsessions?
how to impress someone? World Cup?

2006-06-19T23:57:00.000-07:00

im in HK.
quite expensive. my skirt costs a bomb. hahah

who cares. i think i enjoymyself anyway.

i keep replying sms. bill gna be darn high. damn.

ill be back tmr.
i can watch soccer (:
miss me not(:

2006-06-16T18:26:00.000-07:00

abt an hour more or so before i leave.
aint really keen but nvm, ill just go
need a break i guess.
feeling bit funny. but nvm ill get over it.
church camp? ive nothing to say

2006-06-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

im feeling better.
or so i think.

i just remembered ive YET to pack.
its more likei got reminded lah.

i take forever to pack. really. mum wants me to bring less clothes.
which is impossible. because in one day, ive to wear at least two sets.
camp is five days.
TEN SETS of clothes.
thats alot.

cant wait to go shopping. HONGKONG.
(:
I might not go to venice (:
cause its too cold. and mum says the sun sets and FOUR PM.

i realize that im the kind of girl,
who if experiences some horrible setback
or some deep argument/fight once,
ill start to keep to myself.
and if it happens again, i'll slowly stop telling people stuff.
is it insecurity? i dont know. more like im more wary of people.
oh well (:

im fine.
i tell myself im perfectly fine.
no im not deluded. (:

2006-06-04T23:58:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wish that you dont need to make certain decisions in life.
makes your brain hurt at times. due the the pros and cons in that particualr decision.
but i guess life without decision-making and choices, wouldnt be called life.

feel like sleeping all the time.

yesterday, was normal.
nth special. though everyone was dressed so formally.
i dislike that woman.
yuck.

i dont feel like saying anything to anyone.
unless, i want.

you are such a freak.
backstabbing all the time.
maybe when you read this, you dont think i know.
think again and get a life.
you aren't that great you know.

kids nowadays, dont seem to know it, but they become just like their parents.
just like you.

the unthinkable has happened.

oh god.

2006-06-01T03:29:00.000-07:00

first of june.
how fast.

mt o level was okay. screwed up a bit. but it was fine to me.
just hope i dont ever have to take it agn this year.

been feeling tired.
been sleeping early-amazing.
been arguing-its darn irritating.

i feel funny anyway-the bad funny.
if theres such a thing.
feel like how i felt in sec one and two.
refusing to say anything to anyone. unless necessary.
like shutting yourself up. keeping to yourself.

oh well. i'll get over it.

2006-05-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

happy birthday to bliss (:

the class rmb my birthday.
entered the hall and they started singing.
was surprised but then agn, (:

my eyes were horribly small. coudl barely open them.
cant wait till thurs. dont need to go school (:

good night (:

2006-05-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

three more mins.
till my birthday.

i wish i wasnt even born lah.
i hope i die tmr you know.
die on your birthday aint that bad.

today was fine.
dvc wasnt that good.
hanging around in time for like a 8hrs wasnt that bad.

mums annoying. sister irritating.
schools tms. intensive mt. dear lord.

hope no one rmbs my brithday.
i dont want anyone to wish me tmr.
not syeila not rachel. not lavie. not anyone.

its twleve.
happy birthday to me.
sigh.

2006-05-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

i just went into friendster and boy,
was i surprised to fine a stack of pictures awaiting me.

they didnt mean much to me. dont know why. rarely talk to them anymore.
oh well (:

exams are finally over, results, well some disappointing.
dont wna be bothered. but sometimes you cant just help it huh.

i finally saw rachel's and deborah's pictures.
and i didnt really like it. not that im jealous lah. ive nth to be jealous about them.
deborah's pictures were all the 'act cute' ones. with the her eyes oh so very big
and she took a picture of her self wanting to strip. yuck. seems like she's just became a wannabe.
yuck.
rachel? nah i dont have much to comment. never seen her like that before. oh well,
different people different taste.
the rest of the pictures were the usual. smiley ones. laughing ones.

parents off nthe australia next week. leaving me and my sister behind.
i refuse to go for x-country. made plans already.
one. must the doc and get an mc dress casual
two. must change and do the usual
three. get lunch and go out with ?
four. meet and four twentyfive. shows at four thirty five.
five. get dinner and be home by eight? or seven thirty.

thats suppose to be the way it is.
but somethings bound to screw up.
hhaha
i know it. i just know it.

i dread going to church tmr and on sunday. -_-
cant help it. but nvm. i'll just go.

gothic-

2006-05-06T04:12:00.000-07:00

english and ss down.
chinese and emath and chem down.
lit amath history physics left.
cant wait.

i went out today. wanted to shop but wasnt in the mood for it.
so i ended up window shopping.

been sleeping late and feeling tired easily.
headaches and stomach pains. damn it.
tuition after tuition. aiyo.

i cant wait till i fly away in june. i definitely cant wait to go.
i hope time passes super fast during church camp. then i can quickly fly away.
shop all i want there.
but of course i'll definitely bring my books along. must rmb to pack it.

teachers say theres still the 3month thing next year.
wat a waste of time.
my last paper is on the last day of the o levels. thats long,
and i cant wait!

then it be VENICE HERE I COME. (=
then EAST TIMOR (:
or maybe its the other way round.
cant rmb.
oh well, but then again, i might only be able to go for one.
so yarh. i hope mandys family can come along. or andrews.
or both (: even better! been a long time since the three families went on
a holiday together. long long time. it used to be after church camp.
when the church didnt screw up then . when i was in agapeland.
but i quite doubt it.

oh well, i just have to wait. i'll be patient

seems like its been forever;

2006-05-01T05:56:00.000-07:00

i hate it when things are left hanging.
you know it everyone knows it.

i want to leave church.
to run away again.
to not go back to the place that cause my misery.
to go to a church where i dont know anyone.
to go to a church that doesnt tell me wat they think my future will be.
even if i cant leave that place,
i dont want to join rays anymore.
i dont want to.
but do i have a bloody choice?
no i dont.

will the world just shut up and stop asking me.
stop telling me how ususual it'll be.
stop telling me how rare and how it has only happened once at chruch.
stop telling me wat you think it'd be.
stop telling me 'it surely happen' and then you say 'but of course its hard to say'
you contradict yourself. check yourself for goodness sake.
stop saying wat you and everyone else thinks.
stop it.

just stop it;

2006-04-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

wats a truth and wats a lie?
how do you tell the difference between them?
watch wat you believe?
listen to wat you think is right?
or just be presumptuous?

i'll tell the world to watch wat they hear me say.
because they never know if im telling the truth.
it could all just be a lie.

the last time my friend thought i was telling the truth.
but i guess he/she was wrong.
because i wasnt.
and ive said the same little white lie again. enacted wat i supposedly
should feel if it happends to me.
so watch it. watch wat you believe. you wouldnt want to end up feeling so
pathetic. like an idoit to have believed me.

im fickle i hear you say?
speak for yourself. judge yourself. not me not anyone.

when things seem to be fine, they actually arent fully fine.
because some few idiots will come and quesiton me again.
im sick and tired of it.
if youre gna be the next one, i swear i'll make youre life a living hell.
give it up for goodness sake.
let it go.

i think the world is unfair. very unfair.
why cant you have two things? why only one hmm?

i was happy to talk to jean ytd. my only source of uh companionship?
hahha. least she accompanied me on the phone whilst i was watching tv.
telling me wat i shld not do.
hahha and why i shldnt be bothered.

i thought about losing my memory.
having an accident. a concussion.
i thought it be fun. because then i have a guide, my journal to tell me whose been nice and who hasnt. it be easier to stay away from the people that cause you trouble all the time and i can choose who i want to befriend all over again.

who reads this blog anyway?
is it you? or you? or you?
wna find out how my life has been and then use it against me? go ahead.
because wat i say here. aint the truth all the time. besides. ive another one.
go figure it out.

for the little grp who thought i went to study with them ytd,
i didnt. but i ate with them thought. with my family.

get a life-

2006-04-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

im playing for worship tmr.
its been a long time. a really long time.

i wonder if im gna study with them.
some people think i will.
like its so easy to tell.
others think i wont.
because i can bring myself to sit with them in silence.

i think the latter is rather accurate. because i quite agree with them,
i cant bring myself to.
my mummy doesnt mind. but i quite doubt i will go.

things have been, werid and unusual.
dont know why.
but i suppose its a good thing i guess.

practice was all right today.
mostly youths playing. execpt for othniel and roger.
mummy came and passed reuben a bottle of godiva chocolate powder.
which means i have one bottle less to savour on.
about ten? less godiva drinks. -_-
but nvm. i'll be nice and share.
since i still have uh two more at home.

mummy and i agrued. my sister is scholding me on her blog.
and i went to sleep. couldnt care less.
from seven to ten.
im feeling sleepy again. gotta be up at 630 tmr.
aiyo. good night then.

2006-04-26T06:59:00.000-07:00

ET TEAM (:

pretty ain't it?

ive been studying since morning. im proud of myself (:

i didnt go to school today.

and yes i will rmb to bring alcohol to school tmr (=

back to studying again. sigh.

2006-04-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

what do people want from me huh?
for years its been like that and i guess it will always be like that.
one day they'll look back and say 'see i knew this would happen' or 'we were all poven wrong'

but whatever i dont care, i wont.
looking back at the ET photos, reminds me of my happiness i haven felt in a long time.
but also a tinge of nostalgia. sigh. oh well heres one of the photos that i like best. because
it picutres all of us laughing and having fun.

pretty isnt it?

love (:

2006-04-22T09:11:00.000-07:00

i am tired
i am pissed
i feel the rage

burn the floor was great. but sadly i wasnt really in the right mmod.
felt like i could dance away all my troubles instead.

i haven eaten anything since three plus.
yet im not hungry.

im tired of everything. really.

2006-04-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

its a monday night.
but it feels like friday night.

i dont know why thought. but i think IM STRESSED.
oh no =/
or maybe its just another thing that comes and passes AS USUAL.
i woke up with a headache and it was really bad,
but i still i decided to go to school.

my life has been uh ... _____________
you might want to fill in that blank for me.
well easter was fine.
everythings just fine.
maybe not everything but still just fine.
wats wrong with me huh?
blah-

i wonder wat ive done.
really. i wonder wat exactly ive achieved in life.
not much actually as i reflect.
i cant even keep a great friend by my side.
i dont know.

everyones asking everyone wants to know.
everyone is assuming. sigh.
why me huh? of all people

my sister calls me a .... bitch
*bitch is a nicer word*
if your own sibling tells you that
then maybe there's something really wrong with me.
maybe i am wat she says.
=/

i want a hug. i need one.
badly.

2006-04-01T06:48:00.000-08:00

IM FORTY FIVE POINT FIVE KG.
I WAS FORTY FOUR AT THE START OF THIS WEEK.
I WAS FORTY THREE IN MARCH.
AND I CONCLUDE NOW..
I AM FAT.

dont console me about it.
or tell me im not fat. its a FACT that i am

not like im growing any taller now.
i cant help it if i eat a lot. i wonder why too, you know?
its like i keep getting hungry easily. and for dinner i eat up to TWO BOWLS OF RICE NOW.
plus a lot of side dishes. =(

ike NOW, im getting hungry. when dinner was about two and a half hours ago.
which is crazy right? i had two bowls of veg curry. plus two servings of rice, and two pieces of meat.

is it just me or am i really hungry?
some say im stuffing myself. but i doubt it now.
but i have to admit when I was sad/unhappy/pissed I would eat A LOT.
I could FEEL it.
But now, I cant. Not much.

If this carries on, all I know is that im really gna be OVERWEIGHT.

dance was cancelled today. i was looking forward to it actually. keeps me busy.
so I just went out. town. ate. walk around. then went home and slept till seven.
i cooked the beef today. yummy (:

its a saturday night. and im thinking. think think think. sigh.
there are some kind of people who are justwouldnt tell you the truth straight in the face.
like if theyve a problem with you or blame you or hate you or find fault with you.
strange that they wouldnt tell it to my face.

so many things left unsaid.
so many things left unfinished.
but with no wish to end them.
its just that attitude that annoys me.
its just that dismissive thing about people that i cant stand.
people who leave things just like that with no end.
their selfishness and casualness;
i cannot understand.
i wonder if it pricks their conscience
i wonder if its a burden
i wonder if they'll make it up to their friends.
how they'll make it up im apprehensive about it.
will it be an excuse?
or just a laugh and say its nothing?
if it ever happens to me
i'll be unsure
because im tired of falling.

ive so much to say. but i cant say it to anyone randomly.
i'll tell myself, it was just an illusion. and i was deluded.

it was and is an illusion-

2006-03-31T08:33:00.000-08:00

all it took was five days.

ONLY FIVE DAYS;
AND I GAINED 1KG.

ONE KG.

THATS ALOT. BUT WHY? =(

OH GOSH.

I FEEL AND AM FAT.

GREAT. HOW WONDERFUL.

2006-03-29T07:40:00.000-08:00

why do i keep thinking about it?

2006-03-28T08:18:00.000-08:00

i dont know wat to blog about.

thankfully, i feel much better. not like i was on sunday night.

my life aint the way i want it to be. but oh well i cant help it anyway.
home school and the one that everyone knows, church.
at times i ask myself, why am i not doing anything about it. like leave or something. sadly i dont know why either.
i hope im not here next year either.

so on sunday night. i went beserk. at like 12 am in the morning. mood swings i guess. i wanted to die at like three am in the morning. and i imagined this:
'on the twenty seven of march two zero zero six, a sixteen year old girl living along farrer road died of natual causes at three in the morning.'
that was how insane/depressed/unhappy i was.

but im better now. or so i think.
sleeping times still the normal. maybe slightly later now.
i dont do naything. just lie there and think.
the bbq pit at my house is on fire. i think. even my room smells. yuck.

i used to think alot. then i'll be drowned in my own thoughts, usualy bothered and affected.
but that was a long time ago.
and now, i guess is back again.
somehow my life seems different. like as though it has been something else from sec one to three. and another thing in sec four.

a friend's friend of mine, jean, texted me this today ' they say, love never fails right? but i beg to differ. wat do you think?'
i was surprised she ask me this because she herself is a christian. i didnt know wat to reply her. i am suppose to say yes because of religion and the bible and how its the truth and everything. but then again. after seeing her go through so much, i understand why she begs to differ.

i want to get rid of my current journal book. got tired of it. besides too many sad things in there. the sad doesnt balance with the happy.
it seems so hard to trust people now. i dont know why. this is why i hate the world. its a disgusting screwed up evil ugly unlove deceitful dangerous vicious vengeful horrible painful place. pathetic place with shallow dreadful people that lie.

i have nothing else to say.
only that im just disapoointed with many.

2006-03-26T08:16:00.000-08:00

todays a sad sad day.
maybe not sad lah.
uh gloomy/glum/moody day. pick anyone you like.

i wish sometimes i could post so freely on my blog. but i guess i cant.
i feel like skinning boiling slaughtering chopping grinding.
best is to throw into the dryer. cause it definitely cook the person alive.
i think.
mind you, i feel like doing that to a person.
dont ask why.
just a strange strange feeling.

so i wonder at times in life, whether true friends stay by your side.
its a bit weird. because one minute you have the one you think is
your bestest friend in the world, the next min you find her gone.
how contradicting.

can you feel nonchalant and nostlagic at the same time?
i once corrected my friend over the use of the word 'nostlagic'
i think even i myself use it wrongly.

oh gosh i am feeling nostlagic. sigh.
i rmb in uh sec two i think. i did this uh a box? for dnt. it was a disaster btw.
on it i wrote this
"what doesnt break us bond us"
i used to think that that wouldnt apply to me or anyone.
afterall it was just a phrase.

but i was wrong as usual.
when syeila and i uh didnt talk for uh five months and when we kept arguing, it uh applied to both of us.
and finally when she left, i didnt send her off. when everyone was expecting me to be there.
i never expected myself to say this, but i actually miss her. and her favourite number nine.
she used to tell me this as besties 29<3 30, 30<3 29 strange but hey thats wat happens in a girls school lah. but ohwell im no longer number twentynine. im number twentysix. and sadly i think i share the same number as someone else. all my precious moments are packed in a box. sealed with all the cards inside. i dont know why i packed them. i used to love admiring them.

Sometimes in this life
through all the trouble, toil, and strife
there's that one person who's always there
to listen, when it seems that no one carest
hey're a beacon in the night
and somehow turns the wrongs to right
they're like the sweet comfort of
an easy chairwhen you come home,
it's always therethey're a shelter
from a stormlike a house thats all safeand warm
or a cozy Inn after a long drive
where you can refresh, and your soul revive
a sweet comfort, that's what they are
a true confident, a guiding star
In this world that we call life
a sweet comfort is a pure delight

sometimes i wonder who and where that person has gone to.

2006-03-22T08:25:00.000-08:00

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

-goodbye my lover
by James Blunt

2006-03-18T05:23:00.000-08:00

V for Vendetta is great.
i like yesterday. more like i love it.

im tired of being a disappointment to many.

you know how bad i can be,
you know wat i can do.
you know wat i can say,
you know how i can put out others down.
you know how i wasnt straight.
you saw how it was like,
only because i describe it to you so vivdly
that sometimes it makes you cringe.
you know how im like.
you know how bad i can be.
then why in the world do people still love me, God?

2006-03-11T06:24:00.000-08:00

its nice to blog once in awhile. then when you read your previous posts
you'd think to yourself
"'I cant believe i wrote that/felt that/said that about some people"

finally the march holidays are here. and a pile of worksheets await me.

i did my nails and well hopefully no darn teacher or prefect catches me for that.
but i really doubt it.

i dont really have much to post about. just that my life seems uh normal?
im not sure of wat word there is to describe it. just right i guess

its nice to talk to old friends again. (:
people who used to talk so much with you but then suddenly just stopped
people like your kindergarden friends calling you out of the blue just to say 'hi'
guys or girls
they dont really matter to me at all.

my good friend was telling me this
'guys can be so clueless, such morons at times because they miss the good opportunites when its right in front of them'

honestly i quite agree with her ((:

Oh I'll twine with my mingles and waving black hair
With the roses so red and the lilies so fair
And the mirtles so bright with the emerald dew
The pale and the leader and eyes look like blue

I will dance I will sing and my laugh shall be gay
I will charm every heart in each crown I will sway
When I woke from my dreaming my idols were clay
All portions of love had all blown away

Oh he taught me to love him and promised to love
And to cherish me over all others above
How my heart is now wondering no misery can tell
He's left me no warning no words of farewell

Oh he taught me to love him and call me his flower
That was blooming to cheer him through life's dreary hour
Oh I long to see him and regret the dark hour
He's gone and neglected his pale wildwood flower

-wildwood flower by reese witherspoon

2006-03-04T08:14:00.000-08:00

once upon a time

there was a little girl who was caught up with her problems.
when she thought she resolved it
she realised that subconsciously
it was stuck in her head.

some answers she hoped for
she never got them
while others
she got them instead

the things she said didnt want
she couldnt give up on them
but she could just throw certain things freely
discarding them like rubbish.

and she just didnt know what to do

women are a more advance civilization
-mad hot ballroom.

2006-01-30T09:00:00.000-08:00

cny second day.

my house was open
to all people who left church.
quite nice.
see familiar faces.
((:

mandy and alyssa came over at 5.
and they left at 1.
hahah so yarh.

watch coyote ugly
it was nice ((:

mandy alyssa me and my sister annoyed
nun and deeben
we're sorry!

haha
i doubt they read it anyway.

anyway watever that is suppose happen
is happening. and im glad.
because i want it this way.
then people can excel and be happy with where they be
and not regret(:

im a walking disaster;

2006-01-28T01:04:00.000-08:00

cny eve.
saturday afternoon and im at home )=
pretty boring.

first time this year that i didnt buy any new clothes
i thought i would.
but well
i didnt.
kinda troublesome cause you cant wear black
-_-
but i dont really care i guess.

i havent got a clue on wat to wear tmr
visitation is problematic.
if i wear heels i'd have to take them out at every house i go to.
and theres the troublesome buckle.
skirts are out of the question.
i cant sit whichever way i like to.

i guess i stick to jeans and a white top.
or watever im in the mood for
when i wake up tmr and stare blankly at my wardrobe.

i saw rachel ng in cine
phebe cherly and jess in wisma.
today.
i watched the notebook and i like it.

YOU- once bitten, twice shy;

ask me again
and i'll think about it.

2006-01-24T07:51:00.000-08:00

i dont exactly rmb wat i was posting about in my last post.

lets just say ive been in a hmm heated discussion? for the past 48hrs.
TWODAYS.

and i realise how stupid i am to even bother to argue back.
but well for the sake of clearing things up.
i wont anymore.

im too tired and my brain is toasted from
amathemathphychemsocialstudieslitandmothertongue

btw i actually ahve to dance agn
i dont know if i shld be happy or not.
i wont screw up (:

the weekend was great.
one of the rare ones where i get to enjoy myself fully
after such a long time. (=
geisha was nice nice.
i like it.

i know exaclty how i feel right now
and im glad about that.
but i guess i'll never say the truth
because i dont want another situation to happen
among 3? people

suddenly she found herself
drawn to
someone else;

2006-01-15T06:46:00.000-08:00

for the first time after so long
i hate to say it
to remember it
but i cant seem to shelve it aside

i feel the past
images that flash across my eyes
words i rmb so very clearly
things that happened i know so vividly

sometimes it scares me

like now.

love; its a burning thing
walk the line.

2006-01-15T02:03:00.000-08:00

i actually have the urge to keep blogging these few days.
i dont really know why.
but i think its because ive not pen down my thoughts in a ling time.

its a sunday.
ive reunion dinner.
ive hmwk to do
ive got so much to write
but yet i find it hard to describe and write it down.

i know i enjoyed myself today.
because i enjoyed myself with the youths today.
after such a long time.
i feel as though i haven laughed with them in ages,
talk to them, smile with them
you get wat i mean?

but still yes there are same thoughts lingering at the back of my mind
or subconsciously i start to think of them when im having fun
the same thoughts that made me stand down
the same thoughts that still i dont know whether to act upon it
or just give it another chance.

i admit;
im confused and lost at times (:

at least i know im not alone or so i think.

i went shopping today and boy,
am i glad i did. it was fun actually
after a long time.

my guess is things are settlng down.
hopefully.

i wonder if im the kind that give second chances.
everyone wants second chances
easy to receive
but its hard to give to others.

but what if you had a second chance
to get things right?
or just simply was given a chance to start things over?

i wonder at times;
if my mind played tricks on me all the time
till i couldnt tell wat was real and wat wasnt

2006-01-14T07:48:00.000-08:00

funny how it stopped raining
and wish it rains again.
when it was you wished for it to stop

raining makes me think
makes me reflect
makes my mind wander at all possibilities
at handling everything and anything.

it makes me wonder why i react[ed] to something
and what if i reacted differently;
will it change the way people and you treat each other?
makes me reminisce the past -good and bad
makes me laugh
makes me cry

and im glad i miss the happy times
in church
in school
because it shows how much they mean to me
no matter how different things seem to be now
have you ever felt the same?

i qoute from a friend diane,

"Freewrite on a certain issue. And through (re)experiencing these memories in writing because you have to think deep and remember details you encounter the feelings again, and even at times undergo a repeat grief. They say healing comes from (re)discovering the truth in memory. Sometimes I wonder if it is easier to pretend it never happened. And then I realise that they, these memories, can manifest into a hard ball right in the pits of your stomach, and the tears you never cried burns your face."

rain is good ((:

2006-01-12T07:40:00.000-08:00

i hate my maid.
shes A BITCH.
i hate her to the core.

get my family into trouble.
get my mom into trouble.
grr.

shes a freak.

she called her sister who then made a police report that
my mom threaten her with suicide and rape.
when i heard that i went WHAT THE HELL.

thank god the security at the house knows my dad and he called him.
stupid maid.
the police came in normal clothes
and my maid was actually prepared for them
she TOOK HER OWN SWEET TIME to pack.
with a smug on her face.

god i feel like swearing and cursing at her.

when mommy told me this evening i just went
berserk in the car.
at least now shes got to stay at the station.
SERVES HER RIGHT.
even the agency doesnt want her.
if i were my parents i think i wna sue her already.

dont mess with my family.
and i mean that.
no one messes with MY family.

so today was kinda fun in school
i did not faint or blackout (:

i manage to catch up with people whom i stop talking to last year.
hahah
and i found out lots of childish stuff.
haha
so YOU think youre all high and mighty
think youre OH SO very GREAT?

THINK AGAIN LAH.
look in the mirror and judge youreself.
you shld try thinking about yourself from another person point of view.
ask around wat people think of you.
then you know how you really are.
contradicting yourself ALL the time.

you dont need to tel me to consider if you want to talk to me.
i dont care if youre even gna speak a word to me or not.
i dont need you.
one less person to stay away from isnt much of a difference.
cause people like you
i dont consider as friends.
jsut aquaintences.

'we might consider to talk to her again'
how childish can you be man.

get a life.
listen to two sides of a story.
if even she can get over it and talk to me;
being the 'Main' person invovled
then why cant you.
if the rest can why arent you GROWING UP
and putting things aside?

such a bitch.

everyone bitches about each other;
including best friends.
at least best friends know wat they think of
each other;
they dont hide what they think.
because that ruins the friendship

2006-01-11T06:11:00.000-08:00

i never felt so cold in such a long time
i never felt to lost
-unable to see or hear anything
for 5 mins

so thats what it felt like to black out and break into cold sweat.

i was freaked out.
i didnt fall or faint.
i just stood there
unable to hear or see anything.
shivering.

its just fatigue
thats wat i qoute from a friend.

is it?
i suppose so.
i have so much to do
so much to say
but no one to turn to.

i read a friends blog
and i realise how much she hated me.
hahaha.
oh well.
just say it.

im a bitch;

2006-01-10T02:18:00.000-08:00

funny how your past can catch up with you
even if it happened a ong time ago.
i guess no matter how long ago it was
or how much trouble it gave you
or how much you thought it never happened
or how much you forget about it.
it still catches up with you.

i guess mine already did.
it was funny strange weird as though
youre talking to a stranger.

but as wat my friend said
"with such history, how can one forget?"
i agree with that i guess.

from strangers to aquaintences to friends and then best friends,
along came:
ups and downs
talks to arguments
laughter to tears
trust to betrayal
noisiness everyday to months of silence
i guess thats where it eneded;

now? i dont really know.
nth but aquaintences i guess ((:

one day of holiday then back to school tmr.

i havent actually blogged about my week or day.
only just random thoughts.

when youre secfour
-its SWEET SIXTEEN
-time to grow up
-time to learn
-time to start looking forward
-time to stop looking back
-time to stop slacking
-ITS TIME TO STUDY
-TIME TO SRESS for O LEVELS.

not exaclty my resolutions.

dont deceive yourself

2006-01-08T07:29:00.000-08:00

in 2004

i had a best friend
i had a confidant a great friend -someone who was always there (:
i had good friends to talk to to laugh with

in 2005

they all left one by one
not entirely their fault
mine too

i guess thats why they say that some things are just superficial (:

somethings are just meant
to be left unsaid;

2006-01-07T08:30:00.000-08:00

one week of school passed.
finally.
never felt so tired in my entire life for the first week of school.
funny.

things are different.
i wonder wat will happen.

no longer a leader
is it right?
i ponder at times.

how will i feel now
wat will i do
will i do wat ive been thinking about?

if you dont say anything
no one will ever know;

the best moments are moments
when you do things in the spirit of
LOVE;

2006-01-02T06:22:00.000-08:00

2006.

didnt exaclty kick off well.
but still alright.

i need a drink.
i think i really
am gonna take it.

you dont know it at all;

2005-12-29T05:44:00.000-08:00

this blog is rather pointless

i dont really know why i created it in the first place.

calling someone stupid; doesnt make you smarter
ruining someones life; doesnt make you happier
bad-mouthing someone; doesnt make you feel any better

everyones probably at fault anyway.
including me.

second chances;